Think Carefully Before Speaking

WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Of course not!"

WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."

WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"

HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good
with you."

WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"

WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with
hers?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."

WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"

HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND: "OooPS"

School Answering Machine

The company that produces automated phone response
recently updated their product to account for the
latest attitudes of parents in the U.S. The
following options tested very well among surveyed
teachers.

"Hello! You've reached the automated answering
service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right
staff member, please
listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent -- Press 1.

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his
work -- Press 2.

"To complain about what we do -- Press 3.

"To swear at staff members -- Press 4.

"To ask why you didn't get information that was
already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you --
Press 5.

"If you want us to raise your child -- Press 6.

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit
someone -- Press 7.

"To request another teacher for the third time
this year -- Press 8.

"To complain about bus transportation -- Press 9.

"To complain about school lunches -- Press 0.

"If you realize this is the real world and your
child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own
behavior, class work, and
homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for
your child's lack of
effort -- Hang up and have a nice day!"

The BAR..

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America
late one night and he
saw
Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes
over to him, and asks
for
his
autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and
says, "You Chinese
people

bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta
here!

"The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not
the Chinese who bombed
your
Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the
same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and
says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.
Shocked, Spielberg replies,
"It
was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replied, "Iceberg, Spielberg,
Carlsberg, you're all the
same."